Cancer Part II
It has taken me a long
time to finally write this post. To be honest, I have been afraid to write in a
way because the writing I did in Part I was so descriptive and full of emotion;
I’m afraid I can’t duplicate it. But, it doesn’t matter. If I can or can’t in
the end because the important part is that the story is told.
My beautiful family came
to Logan the night of my surgery and stayed with me. My mom, Jarom and Jaisha
made the unbearable bearable and fulfilled one of John’s very important
goals…Fast and the Furious marathon. Yes. While suffering on the couch,
wallowing in my own misery I was forced to watch all of the Fast and the
Furious movies and you know what? I love those movies! I always will. End of
story.
My arm was bandaged up
really well and I was told not to shower for a three or four days just to let
the stitches heal. After my family left two days later and instead of wallowing
in misery I was stewing in my own post surgery nastiness…I decided that three
days was long enough and got into the shower.
Letting the water rain
down on me, washing away the grime of the past couple days and just standing
there made me feel a small sense of comfort. I was warm, I was loved and I was
getting clean. It felt like this was just a step on the way to my future. The
bandage started to get soggy so I started peeling it back and started screaming
for John. The stitches were black and jagged and my skin red and angry
underneath. The string was actually plastic and just looking at it nearly made
me throw up. My arm looked
like someone had carved a chunk out of it and then did a medieval hack job at
sewing me up. John came bounding up the stairs to my rescue and I just stood
there freaking out and pointing at this nasty on my arm, crying. He looked at
it with disgust and told me it would be ok. I sobbed and got out the shower. I
had never felt so ugly in my entire life. Not in middle school when I was fat
and had a really hard ugly stage, not on my mission when I was taller and
bigger than anyone in what seemed like the entire country, nothing. This was
the pinnacle moment of hideous.
I decided that long
sleeves were the order of the day. So, I had john help me into a comfy shirt
and went back to the couch. I couldn’t lie on the side with my wounded arm so
sleeping or lying was a little awkward but after a couple days, I got used to
it. John was so wonderful. He brought down a mattress from our bed and made the
living room into our bedroom for a week or two.
Having had surgery, but
still being the breadwinner at the moment meant that taking more time off of
work was out of the question. My pitiful salary had to stretch far and one
missed day could mean hard times. So, Tuesday after my surgery I was back at
work. I had medication and my job was very accommodating as far as patience and
helping me with some basic tasks but I felt more of a burden than a help and
really just wanted to go home.
Time passes and with it
healing comes. When you can’t use your dominant arm, some things are harder
than you ever realized. The prime example is using the restroom. Just try doing
a decent wipe with your nondominate hand. It’s like a freakin’ yoga pose just
trying! Also, ponytails were out. Hair is down all the time and blow-drying
takes some talent. I had to sit and let my useless arm rest while my left and
did all the work. Needless to say, my hair had seen better styles during the
month of Feb. and into March.
Well, March rolled around
and I was waiting for the results of my lymph node tests to come back. I had
the arm chuck missing and also they took some lymph nodes from my arm pit. If
the verdict came back and the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, aggressive
action had to take place. If it hadn’t, I was clear!
I was at work the day I
got the phone call. I had started to fear my phone ringing at this point J. Anyway, I was there and I got the
call from Dr. Bowles telling me that they found the cancer in one of my lymph
nodes. I had a really hard time focusing after that. What I did hear her say
that it was a small amount and would be taking my case to a group of
specialists to analyze and see if we needed to do surgery or if chemo would
start. I thanked her, hung up the phone and just felt completely worn out.
Tears started forming and ran down their well defined course on my face. I worked with a woman whom I
know didn’t care for me and well, I didn’t care much for her either but in a
moment like this, it didn’t matter. She came and gave me a hug and held me
while I cried. We are after all sisters in the eyes of God and just that moment
helped me see her as such.
I took my lunch and
started making the calls. John was the first and hardest call of all. Next it
was family and especially my mom. That was hard too. Then it was done. I had to
wait.
This is part two. Part
three will be coming out soon.
