Cancer Part II

Cancer Part II

It has taken me a long time to finally write this post. To be honest, I have been afraid to write in a way because the writing I did in Part I was so descriptive and full of emotion; I’m afraid I can’t duplicate it. But, it doesn’t matter. If I can or can’t in the end because the important part is that the story is told.

My beautiful family came to Logan the night of my surgery and stayed with me. My mom, Jarom and Jaisha made the unbearable bearable and fulfilled one of John’s very important goals…Fast and the Furious marathon. Yes. While suffering on the couch, wallowing in my own misery I was forced to watch all of the Fast and the Furious movies and you know what? I love those movies! I always will. End of story.

My arm was bandaged up really well and I was told not to shower for a three or four days just to let the stitches heal. After my family left two days later and instead of wallowing in misery I was stewing in my own post surgery nastiness…I decided that three days was long enough and got into the shower.

Letting the water rain down on me, washing away the grime of the past couple days and just standing there made me feel a small sense of comfort. I was warm, I was loved and I was getting clean. It felt like this was just a step on the way to my future. The bandage started to get soggy so I started peeling it back and started screaming for John. The stitches were black and jagged and my skin red and angry underneath. The string was actually plastic and just looking at it nearly made me throw up.  My arm looked like someone had carved a chunk out of it and then did a medieval hack job at sewing me up. John came bounding up the stairs to my rescue and I just stood there freaking out and pointing at this nasty on my arm, crying. He looked at it with disgust and told me it would be ok. I sobbed and got out the shower. I had never felt so ugly in my entire life. Not in middle school when I was fat and had a really hard ugly stage, not on my mission when I was taller and bigger than anyone in what seemed like the entire country, nothing. This was the pinnacle moment of hideous.

I decided that long sleeves were the order of the day. So, I had john help me into a comfy shirt and went back to the couch. I couldn’t lie on the side with my wounded arm so sleeping or lying was a little awkward but after a couple days, I got used to it. John was so wonderful. He brought down a mattress from our bed and made the living room into our bedroom for a week or two.

Having had surgery, but still being the breadwinner at the moment meant that taking more time off of work was out of the question. My pitiful salary had to stretch far and one missed day could mean hard times. So, Tuesday after my surgery I was back at work. I had medication and my job was very accommodating as far as patience and helping me with some basic tasks but I felt more of a burden than a help and really just wanted to go home.

Time passes and with it healing comes. When you can’t use your dominant arm, some things are harder than you ever realized. The prime example is using the restroom. Just try doing a decent wipe with your nondominate hand. It’s like a freakin’ yoga pose just trying! Also, ponytails were out. Hair is down all the time and blow-drying takes some talent. I had to sit and let my useless arm rest while my left and did all the work. Needless to say, my hair had seen better styles during the month of Feb. and into March.

Well, March rolled around and I was waiting for the results of my lymph node tests to come back. I had the arm chuck missing and also they took some lymph nodes from my arm pit. If the verdict came back and the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, aggressive action had to take place. If it hadn’t, I was clear!

I was at work the day I got the phone call. I had started to fear my phone ringing at this point J. Anyway, I was there and I got the call from Dr. Bowles telling me that they found the cancer in one of my lymph nodes. I had a really hard time focusing after that. What I did hear her say that it was a small amount and would be taking my case to a group of specialists to analyze and see if we needed to do surgery or if chemo would start. I thanked her, hung up the phone and just felt completely worn out. Tears started forming and ran down their well defined course on my face.  I worked with a woman whom I know didn’t care for me and well, I didn’t care much for her either but in a moment like this, it didn’t matter. She came and gave me a hug and held me while I cried. We are after all sisters in the eyes of God and just that moment helped me see her as such.

I took my lunch and started making the calls. John was the first and hardest call of all. Next it was family and especially my mom. That was hard too. Then it was done. I had to wait.

This is part two. Part three will be coming out soon.