This is a complicated blog post. I have the opinion that if a particular
item of clothing, unflattering or not, makes you feel better about yourself
then you should wear it. I mean, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and since
it is impossible to please everyone at once then shouldn't the only beauty one
should be concerned about the one you see? I'm not talking about looking at
everyone and judging them with a pious outlook. I'm saying that if your eyes
see your outfit/body and you think it looks good then that should be the only
opinion that matters.
I suffer from the constant need for affirmation and validation from those
that I have given permission to have their opinions matter more than my own. I
love these people and I agree that wanting to do perform well in the eyes of
others is natural but I honestly don't feel confident enough in myself and my
choices unless these other people also agree. I am on a constant quest for
validation. I don't know why and I don't know how it started. I also don't know
how to stop but I think the answer is in front of me and I just can't see
it.
Now, back to the title of this post: Ode to a black shirt. There is a
company called DownEast Basics that sell these shirts. They are long sleeved,
95% cotton, 5% spandex, come in dark colors and I discovered them when I was 20
and a sophomore in college. I felt like I had finally found my style. I always
liked black and I still do even if I don't wear it nearly as much as I used to.
I loved these shirts. I felt beautiful, confident and like I blended in while
still standing out. There is nothing special about these shirts. Honestly, it's
just a long sleeved tighter fitting shirt that's long in the torso and the
sleeves fit all the way down to cover my wrists.
People probably thought that I shouldn't wear anything with spandex
seeing as how I do not have the "right" body for it. Yeah, you could
see my curves or as some would say rolls. But you know what? I didn't see them
as much when I wore this shirt. I didn't constantly worry about people staring
at my greatest insecurities. Instead, it was like all my focus went up to my
face. I liked smiling and in my mind people were looking at all the good things
that I had. You know, dimples in my cheeks, big brown eyes, a nice smile and a
button nose.
I stopped wearing this shirt just before my mission. I always thought
about it but I never wore one. That is until this weekend. I was at the mall
and John bought me my shirt. I'm not the same person as I was back as a
sophomore in college and thankfully so. I'm a mom now. I have two beautiful
daughters that I am trying my hardest to instill a natural confidence in them
as best I can. I'm calmer and I have more of myself figured out. I'm happier
believe it or not and I love where I am but after two kids so close together
and a fairly serious addiction to foods that are not good for me, my body needs
help. A little R & R wouldn't hurt that's for sure! So, after thinking
about all the good I felt when I used to wear this shirt, I'm wearing it again.
It might sound cheesy, but when I put on this shirt I felt an old
confidence emerge. It was like saying hello to an old friend that I hadn't
talked to in a while. The friend who always told me how good I looked and made
me feel good to be me.
I probably won't always wear this shirt but it makes me happy right now.
Isn't that what's important? At a time when I have more curves/rolls than ever
and am getting readjusted to life in a post-baby world I could use something
that makes me forget all that and just see my positives. So, if you disagree
with my wearing this shirt that's okay. On this one, small thing I don't need
the validation I've needed on almost everything else. On this I'm okay with
just having my approval.
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